Recital To End All Recitals

Okay so it really wasn't the recital to end all recitals. I just wanted to get your attention....;)

So anyways last Sunday I was absolutely determined not to be nervous. I mean what the heck it was just a recital. What would be the worst that could possibly happen? Well my throat might go dry, they might not let me use my piano music and I'd get up there, botch it up, and run crying off the stage, I might embarrass my teachers, my family, and myself for the rest of our natural lives, and they might broadcast all of this for the whole county to see on a local channel...Right what could possibly go wrong?....I tried to keep my thoughts away from this downward spiral and focus on just relaxing. I was sitting in church at the moment and desparately tried to focus only on what was going on around me (much easier said than done I'll give you that). Well as the service slowly neared to a close, my head started buzzing, my throat suddenly began to tighten up, and I started feeling rather ill to say the least. I just hoped I wasn't about to have a panic attack, because then I might end up passing out. Yep that is the last thing I would need to happen....Well I didn't pass out, and I made it out of the service unscathed.....

As we made our way to the recital a few hours later, my heart was pumping so hard I thought it would jump right out of my chest. When we got inside I felt literally downright sick. When I got backstage I was so nervous I didn't even know I was nervous (if that made any sense). As I sat down my fingers started tingling, a sure sign of nerves. I took a deep breath and attempted to get a hold of myself. For crying out loud it was just one recital. If I could make it through the others, and if all the other kids could make it through it, then I sure could.

I managed to stay pretty much relaxed while the kids before me were playing by just not thinking. And of course I tried to comfort myself by realizing that they were going to let me use my piano music. So it was just a matter of forcing my fingers to do as they were told. Well pretty soon it was my turn and I headed out there. When all the people started clapping I almost said, "You all had better save your applause cause I'm not sure you'll be feeling that way after I'm done...." I didn't say that but I was thinking it.....Well I got up there, took a deep breath, and started to play. Then the strangest thing happened. I actually relaxed. My fingers actually did what they were supposed to do. And (believe it or not) I actually started to enjoy myself up there. I was actually sad when the song ended. I think an alien inhabited my body at that point in time or something. Don't ask me why but it was pretty darn wierd.....haha. After that I was hardly nervous at all doing my voice piece (it's always much easier for me to sing in public than to play piano) and it went great too. So there you have it. Me getting all nervous for absolutely nothing. Oh well. Even though it went well all I have to say is THANK GOODNESS IT'S OVER

Later

Disappointing

So I was not real happy because my grandparents weren't able to come today at the last minute because my grandma got sick. Apparently she was very dizzy, throwing up, all that kind of junk. Also this sickness is supposedly attributed to her heart problem, which is getting kind of worrisome. The doctors said she will definitely need to have surgery, and the only question is when she will have it. We're hoping to go up there when does have her surgery, (which will probably be in the next few weeks) just to give them a hand since she won't be having the surgery in the city where they live. She'll probably have it in a city about 7 hours away from where they live, which means we'll have to drive 6 hours to where they live, and then drive 7 more hours to the other city with my grandparents. Yes it's not going to be too fun. It's going to be cramped, I'm going to be grouchy trapped in a car between my brothers and then further more trapped in a hotel room with them for who knows how long, and it's just not going to be too fun. But hey it's all worth it seeing as how we want to do all we can for my grandma....Prayers for all this would be GREATLY appreciated.

Well not much else to say except that that recital is tomorrow. All I have to say about that is OH JOY. (Can you hear my voice dripping with sarcasm?)

Later.

Random Stuff

Just a few things that have been going on....

*Last night I got to go with my friend to her youth group, so that was pretty fun. The group is really small, (there were only 6 of us there though I think the normal group is a little bigger) but I didn't mind that at all because I really can't stand large youth groups. Okay so I've never really been in what you would call a large youth group, but I have run into them at summer camp and all those places...So yeah I enjoyed it. It's nice to get a different experience every now and then...

*I will be spending this entire week acting like a maniac because I have a big piano/voice recital on Sunday afternoon. I must say that at this point in time I am trying my best not to be nervous about it, but I know that once Sunday rolls around I'll be sweating and carrying on like the apocalypse is around the corner. All I can say is they better let me use my music for my piano piece. I can remember my voice piece fine but I sure can't (not in a million years) remember my piano one in front of any kind of audience whatsoever. There is no way that I'm gonna get up there and publicly humiliate myself for the rest of my days all because some strict over-the-top piano teachers decided to put their heads together and decide how to best ruin my life.....haha Okay I'm definitely exaggerating here. I'm just a little stressed. I'm sure I'll get to use my music seeing as how I did last year. I don't even want to think what might happen if they don't let me use it.....haha

*I would appreciate it if you could keep your grandma in your prayers. She's been having heart problems lately, and in two weeks she's going to find out whether she'll have to have heart surgery or not. She's also been feeling kind of bad. They're planning on trying to come to see us Saturday, but if she's feeling too bad they won't be able to make it....So yeah this is all stressing us out a bit so prayers would be really great....

Later....

Grief

Grief is unpredictable, hurts like crap, and can never be understood by anyone who hasn’t gone through it.

Grief isn’t just being sad and crying till you can’t cry anymore (though that’s definitely been me before). It’s also anger, moodiness, and so much more. Sometimes I get so angry I just want to scream. It’s not fair. It’s not fair other kids’ dads get to see them grow up, go to college, get married, get a job. My dad won’t even be there to see me graduate.

Grief makes me angry at people for no apparent reason. Maybe I’m just angry because their lives are so much better than mine at the moment. Maybe I’m just angry because lots of people don’t seem to care anymore. Maybe I’m just angry for the sake of being angry. I really don’t know. All I know is I’m never really angry at them because they didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just me getting my anger out.

Sometimes I get so depressed I don’t even want to get up in the morning. And then some days I’ll be going along just fine. It’s completely unpredictable. And no. It hasn’t gotten easier over a three ½ month period. It’s just gotten worse. So much worse. Reality finally starts to sink in. It makes me sick sometimes just to think about it.

I’m so much more stressed now. Just about little things. I have this foreboding feeling that everything’s going to go wrong. That nothing can ever go right again. Even though I know it’s not true.....

Going to church is hard. Really hard. Sometimes I’ll be okay. I’ll be able to sit there and not think about what’s really happening. That it’s some other guy preaching up there and not my dad. And some days it just kills me. Especially when they start talking about getting a new pastor. It hasn’t happened much, but when it does I just want to run out of the room and scream, "This isn’t happening. This isn’t happening." I love all those people at church so much. But it’s impossible for me to ever go there again and feel peace. Not with my dad not there....

Sometimes I wish people wouldn’t be so afraid to talk to me about this stuff. It’s not like I want them to treat me differently. Not at all. I just want to be treated normal. But I just want people to know that it’s okay if you want to ask me how I’m holding up. You don’t have to act like none of this ever happened. If I don’t want to talk about it, then I’ll tell you. Thankfully I’ve been blessed with several friends who I can talk to about all of this. You don’t know how much you all are appreciated....I’ve really discovered through all of this that true friends are the ones who will always be there to talk to you no matter what. While I'm on the subject of friends I just wanted to say thanks to my wonderful friend Hannah R. (who is also my faithful blog reader). Love you girl and thanks for always being there...=]

No, I promise I’m not some kind of phsycho depressed freak. Of course I’m not sad and angry all the time. I just needed to get some stuff off my chest though. So yeah thanks for listening and putting up with me...

Piano Festival

Well last Saturday I had another piano festival (I know you're probably getting tired of hearing about these....). Since the other two festivals I was so nervous I thought I was either going to puke or pass out, I decided for the benefit of my own sanity and those around me I would try not to be nervous this year. I mean heck. It was just one woman (or judge) who was going to critique. Big deal. I'd done harder things. I had the piece (a hymn arrangement) memorized like the back of my hand. I had this.

As I sat in the auditorium waiting for my turn, I managed to push all my nerves away and keep remembering that in a matter of minutes it would all be over. Even when she called my name I still managed to walk up there in a state of relative calm. The woman seemed nice after all. Not like that first judge I had....I handed her my music so she could look at it and sat down to play. It was then that my poor nerves finally hit. My hands started shaking so bad that the first measure came out garbled. Beads of sweat broke out on my neck. I started again, this time managing to play well. Well until about the 3rd line....It was then I had the total mind block. Every single note I'd worked so hard to memorize left my head and floated off over the horizon....I didn't understand why, but I knew one thing. I had to act fast. I had to act like it wasn't that big a deal.....I cleared my throat rather nervously and said, "I'm really sorry but I completely forgot the song."

The lady looked up, smiled, and said, "Oh that's fine. I wouldn't have expected you to memorize this long hymn arrangement anyway." I was so relieved I almost cried. Once I had my music I managed to relax and did pretty good. Even though it was extremely embarrassing that I had forgotten the piece (for some reason my nerves are connected with my memory) at least I had done it fine with my music. Heck it's not like I'm planning to be a professional piano player or something.....But anyways I'm quite glad that's over. Now all I have left is a recital in about two weeks in which I have to play and sing. Let's just hope I can use my music.....hahaha

Bell Festival

Last weekend I went on a handbell festival with my church. When it comes to handbell festivals they can either be a new invigorating experience, or a total nightmare depending on your attitude....haha just kidding. I had a good time though it was extremely tiring. It was also tempting. You see for the past week I've been trying to avoid all sugar. No, I don't have some horrible disease that restricts me from eating sugar. I just feel that it'll benefit my overall health if I avoid it. Well it's a good thing that I was determined to avoid it because it seemed like sugar was jumping in my face just daring me to eat it the whole trip. When we first got there we ate at Fudrucker's, and I ended up getting some chicken strips (they looked safe enough). So while I was sitting there eating my chicken strips everybody else was drinking these huge milkshakes right in my face. I managed to suck it up and ignore it though. After all, those milkshakes were expensive. Why waste money on crap like that?

It just got harder from there. While we were in rehearsal our director decided to pass out free chocolate candies to everyone. He thought he was being nice. Not to me he wasn't....This was even more tempting than the milkshake because it was absolutely free. I was also absolutely sugar starved cause I hadn't had any for almost a week. Things got worse from there when the people on either side of me opened their candy and started eating them. The delicious chocolate fumes wafted over and hit me full force in the face. I almost started to cry...Somehow or another I managed not to eat them (though it took a lot of brunt force on my part to say the least). I was already in a crabby mood anyhow. Not that I normally didn't enjoy myself playing bells, but after playing 2 1/2 hours straight I was about ready to punch the next person who dared to mention handbell playing.

Anyways, if you're wondering what the bell festival is here's what happens in it. A whole bunch of church handbell choirs get together in this large conference center and play bells (yes, all at the same time). We practice our heads off for hours, then we have a performance and like 2 people come to watch. (Okay more than that but not many more). So as you can imagine I was a little annoyed at having to work so hard for well, not that much.....Oh well. It was still pretty fun though. However, once we had played the last note of the performance, I almost started to sing the Hallejuah Chorus and I vowed never to touch another handbell as long as I lived (I said that last year by the way). If you're wondering what happens after the festival ends, here's what happens; pandemonium. Everybody starts packing up at once. Folders fly everywhere, bells are tossed back and forth (it's a wonder somebody doesn't get knocked out by one of them), people get in each other's way, which results in nobody getting anything done very quickly, etc. etc. The annoying thing was, our director insisted that he and two other people could pack up all the stuff alone. (I can see why he said that. It's chaotic if everybody tries to help at once). The trouble was the people I was riding home with insisted on helping him anyways. I felt like yelling, "Come on people. If the man doesn't want any help then for heaven's sake don't give him any!". But I didn't yell that. I just stood there fuming with frustration because I really desparately wanted to get home because I was sleep deprived, sugar deprived, and CRANKY.

Well, we finally got everybody back on the van and headed home. Another bell festival come and gone, and I can't say I'm sad about that fact. Don't get me wrong. I had quite a good time. But hey, bell festivals aren't exactly what I call highlight of the year material.....haha

Later

What Do You Know, It Actually Snowed

Around here, when a tiny hint of snow is in the air people make a mad rush for the grocery stores. When a single flake of snow hits the ground people run around like mad yelling, "blizzard! blizzard!". So imagine what goes on when we actually get a decent snow...Haha just kidding. No one's that bad (of course) around here. But I'm not kidding about the fact that we actually got a decent snow (I know. You're shocked). It was about 5 inches I'd say, which of course for those of you up north is pretty much nothing. But for us down here it was a sight to see let me tell you....This was the most snow I've seen in five years so I was quite happy. However, not happy enough to spend hours out there until I couldn't feel my fingers and toes. Also not happy enough to attempt to drag my brother down a very small hill on a sled that kept getting stuck in the snow. I normally get my fill of being outside in the snow after 10 minutes. Then I'm perfectly content until the next big one comes around (in this area I might be 50 or more). hahaha.

Sorry (once again) that it's been such a while. Things have been crazy though. I've had a ton of school, a million places to be, and no time to do it all. *sigh* But I'm making it. Last weekend was pretty interesting, but I'll tell you about that later....=]