Grief

Grief is unpredictable, hurts like crap, and can never be understood by anyone who hasn’t gone through it.

Grief isn’t just being sad and crying till you can’t cry anymore (though that’s definitely been me before). It’s also anger, moodiness, and so much more. Sometimes I get so angry I just want to scream. It’s not fair. It’s not fair other kids’ dads get to see them grow up, go to college, get married, get a job. My dad won’t even be there to see me graduate.

Grief makes me angry at people for no apparent reason. Maybe I’m just angry because their lives are so much better than mine at the moment. Maybe I’m just angry because lots of people don’t seem to care anymore. Maybe I’m just angry for the sake of being angry. I really don’t know. All I know is I’m never really angry at them because they didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just me getting my anger out.

Sometimes I get so depressed I don’t even want to get up in the morning. And then some days I’ll be going along just fine. It’s completely unpredictable. And no. It hasn’t gotten easier over a three ½ month period. It’s just gotten worse. So much worse. Reality finally starts to sink in. It makes me sick sometimes just to think about it.

I’m so much more stressed now. Just about little things. I have this foreboding feeling that everything’s going to go wrong. That nothing can ever go right again. Even though I know it’s not true.....

Going to church is hard. Really hard. Sometimes I’ll be okay. I’ll be able to sit there and not think about what’s really happening. That it’s some other guy preaching up there and not my dad. And some days it just kills me. Especially when they start talking about getting a new pastor. It hasn’t happened much, but when it does I just want to run out of the room and scream, "This isn’t happening. This isn’t happening." I love all those people at church so much. But it’s impossible for me to ever go there again and feel peace. Not with my dad not there....

Sometimes I wish people wouldn’t be so afraid to talk to me about this stuff. It’s not like I want them to treat me differently. Not at all. I just want to be treated normal. But I just want people to know that it’s okay if you want to ask me how I’m holding up. You don’t have to act like none of this ever happened. If I don’t want to talk about it, then I’ll tell you. Thankfully I’ve been blessed with several friends who I can talk to about all of this. You don’t know how much you all are appreciated....I’ve really discovered through all of this that true friends are the ones who will always be there to talk to you no matter what. While I'm on the subject of friends I just wanted to say thanks to my wonderful friend Hannah R. (who is also my faithful blog reader). Love you girl and thanks for always being there...=]

No, I promise I’m not some kind of phsycho depressed freak. Of course I’m not sad and angry all the time. I just needed to get some stuff off my chest though. So yeah thanks for listening and putting up with me...